Upholding the Law Well, Kind Of
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Flying hotdogs, scalding nacho cheese, deranged Aya, and Schuldich and Youji fighting over porn! Who knew 7-11 was this much fun!


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Weiss Kreuz, or any of its characters, situations, etc. All are property of Koyasu Takehito, Kyoko Tsuchiya, and Project Weiß. No money is being made off this! It's just an innocent l'il fan fic.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Minor language, misuse of pornography. But really, nothing bad.  
  
**Summary:** It's been a slow week for crime in Japan, but Persia doesn't want Weiss getting rusty. So he assigns them a ... new... kind of mission.... But not one as exciting as our bishounen had hoped.....  
  
  
  
~**Upholding The Law... Well, Kind Of**~  
  
  
  
Youji yawned and turned off the TV. He looked around the flower shop, which was empty except for Aya, Ken, Omi, and himself. The vast crowd of chattering schoolgirls was gone. Aya-chan and Sakura were not in. Not even Momoe or her cat were there - they were visiting Momoe's grandchildren in Osaka. It was a boring, slow day.  
  
Is it just me, or is everything slow? Ken said sleepily. For almost a week, the temperatures had been in the high nineties, resulting in one of the slowest periods any of the four florists could remember here at the Koneko. Everyone was reluctant to leave the air-conditioned comfort of their homes just to buy flowers. And to be honest, Ken thought, the flowers would probably burst into flames the moment they were taken out of the shop. So there was not much flower-arranging to do around the place.  
  
The same rules seemed to be applying to crime. Persia hadn't given out a mission since the beginning of the heat wave, and it was apparent why. The news had been totally devoid of any wrongdoings, at least in Japan; the worst thing that had happened so far was an old man who drove his car through a graveyard.  
  
And so, the members of Weiss were bored out of their minds.  
  
Youji glanced at Aya, who was moodily staring out the window. Youji supposed Aya was missing his sister again. Tired of the heat, Aya-chan had begged her older brother to let her go with her friend Sakura to Sakura's aunt's house for a day or two - apparently this aunt had a gigantic swimming pool and a walk-in freezer stocked with ice cream. It had taken awhile to convince Aya-kun, as overprotective of Aya-chan as he was; but in the end he had given in. And so, Aya looked bored out of his skull.  
  
As if he knew what Youji was thinking, Aya blinked slowly and mumbled, I wonder how Aya-chan's doing.  
  
Goddammit! You just talked to her twenty minutes ago! Youji blurted, which was true, as Aya-chan had just called to tell her oniichan that everything was going great.  
  
Can it, Kudou.  
  
His sister's rescue had brought back some human emotion in Aya, and he did talk a lot more, but maybe that wasn't a good thing, Youji reflected. Sometimes Aya could be very bossy or mean - but then, it wasn't Youji's job to try and improve his friend's people skills. Besides, he wasn't about to talk back to someone whose hobbies included throwing katanas.  
  
The bells over the door tinkled. Startled, the four florists jumped to their feet and bowed.   
  
My, my, such a welcome, a familiar voice teased. They straightened up to see Manx and Birman, dressed today in halter tops and shorts (and the ever-present high heels) standing in the shop, their hair piled and pinned on top of their heads.  
  
Manx.... Birman... what are you doing here? Ken asked.  
  
Enjoying your air conditioning, for one, Birman sighed, pushing her bangs off her forehead with her sunglasses.   
  
But we've got a mission for you, too, said Manx. Let's go.  
  
They filed downstairs into the mission room. Everyone avoided sitting, so the backs of their legs wouldn't get stuck to the leather sofas, and the TV clicked on.  
  
Hello, Weiss. How are you hanging on in this heat wave? Persia said on TV. I have a mission for you. It may seem trivial at first, but remember that you are sworn to protect the world from Dark Beasts! Oh, and Balinese... there are pretty girls involved.  
  
Youji grinned from ear to ear.  
  
Your mission - go undercover at the 7-11 down the street and keep your eyes peeled for the worst Dark Beasts of all!  
  
More Takatoris?? Aya thought.  
  
Omi thought.  
  
That guy who spilled my Slurpee the other day? Ken thought.  
  
That girl who said I was ugly? Youji thought.  
  
.... Teenage shoplifters! Persia declared.  
  
Aya, Omi, Youji, and Ken crashed to the floor.  
  
***  
  
See anything suspicious? Ken muttered to Omi.  
  
Omi sighed. Nothing at all....  
  
Weiss were at the 7-11, dressed in the most casual clothes they could find, lurking in the back of the store among the shelves of bread and racks of potato chips. Aya, looking extremely displeased at being unable to wear his assassin gear, was leaning against the ice-cream freezer and glaring in random directions - he was dressed in his black t-shirt and black jeans. Youji was sitting on the floor, eating bag after bag of Tempura Delights and looking at porn magazines he had borrowed' from behind the counter - he was wearing a midriff-bearing black shirt (surprise, surprise) and low-waisted jeans. Ken was dressed in a pair of baggy jean shorts that were almost long enough to be pants, and an old soccer jersey. And Omi was wearing very cute, very short white shorts and a white-and-red sailor top. (Kawaii!!!)  
  
Ken sank to the ground, using a few of the loaves of bread from the shelf behind him as a comfy, squishy pillow. The way Persia put it, everyone who comes in here is a shoplifter, but we haven't seen one single suspicious person yet.  
  
Aya grunted. Worse comes to worse, we can arrest Youji for shoplifting, - and he glared down at Youji, who was pursuing a pin-up in _Hentai Weekly_.   
  
Hey, I fully intend to pay them back for the snacks and the entertainment, Youji argued. And I'm not taking it out of the store, so it isn't shoplifting!  
  
Aya would have argued, but didn't as an old woman slowly shuffled down the aisle. They all watched her closely. She smiled at them, picking out several bags of Tofu Chips and adding them to her basket. My grandkids love these chips, she said to the four men. They go through them like there's no tomorrow. And she shuffled away.  
  
Persia said the people we have to look out for are all teenagers, Aya scowled as they peeked around the corner to watch the old woman paying for her chips. So there's no point in eyeing senior citizens.  
  
I guess you're right, Omi sighed, sipping at a chai latte he had taken from the nearby drinks cooler.  
  
Youji mumbled, deeply concentrating on his magazine. Aya glared.  
  
Kudou, this isn't the Playboy Mansion - put those away!  
  
That's the whole _point_! Youji wailed. This _isn't_ the Playboy Mansion! So, I need _something_ to distract me while we wait for those teenaged criminal baddies!  
  
Aya grabbed a copy of _Girls & Pudding_ and hit Youji with it. Baka! How in the world _you_ ever ended up in the area of law enforcement, I'll never know!  
  
Youji hit Aya back with an issue of _Lesbian Boot Camp_. Hey! I'll let you know I was a _good_ private investigator!  
  
But Asuka was the brains, wasn't she?!  
  
Sure, she was the brains... the brawn... and half the beauty..... so what?!  
  
And what were you? The smokestack?!  
  
The other half of the beauty, dumbass! Youji snarled, snatching _Crackwhores Monthly_ away from Omi (No! not our genki little chibi! baaaaad Omittchi!).  
  
Ken hissed, cutting off the Great Fujimiya/Kudou Debate 2004. Suspicious character, up at the register!  
  
They leaned around the corner to look. Standing in front of the register was a man in a long trenchcoat with the collar turned up, a huge fedora, and giant mirrored sunglasses. They strained their ears to listen. The suspicious fellow seemed quite reluctant to be overheard, but didn't know Weiss were there.  
  
Psst... is my stuff in? the man muttered to the cashier.   
  
Weiss brightened. They had come in for shoplifters, but they might end up bagging a drug dealer instead! Persia would be really pleased.  
  
Yeah... got it right here... the cashier reached under the counter, then frowned. Hang on... He disappeared for a moment, then popped back up from behind the counter. I could have sworn those magazines were around here someplace.... But I only have half of them, the gay ones. I don't know where your girly magazines went....  
  
Aya, Ken, and Omi all whipped around to stare at Youji, who gulped.   
  
I didn't know they were somebody's! he hissed. So I... _borrowed_... the girly ones.... I left the gay porn, it was really disturbing....  
  
KUDOU! GIVE ME MY PORN! the trenchcoat man bellowed. Weiss looked back around the shelves. Trenchcoat Man threw off his coat, hat and glasses, revealing the flaming red hair and blue eyes of none other than Schuldich from Schwarz - today dressed in white cotton pants and a stripy blue-and-white t-shirt instead of his usual heavy green jacket.   
  
How'd you know I was here?! Youji shouted back, clutching the pile of magazines to his chest.  
  
Your mind, loser! I heard you thinking about my porn! Now give it here!  
  
No way! Take the naked boy stuff home and read that!  
  
Those - oh - Schuldich was redder than his hair. You - Those - aren't mine! They're - uh - Brad's! Yes, that's it! They're Brad's! I'm just here to pick them up for him!  
  
Aya started giggling and couldn't stop, the image of Crawford reading gay porn too much for him. As Youji, Ken, and Omi stared, Schuldich darted forward and snatched the girly magazines from Youji's grasp. Adding them to the other magazines, he threw a wad of money at the cashier and ran outside, then jumped from the sidewalk to the top of a car to the roof of a building, and was gone*.  
  
Youji swore, as Aya stopped giggling. Now what am I going to do?  
  
The cashier eyed the crumbs on the front of Youji's shirt. You can pay for those chips you've been eating.  
  
Scowling, Youji forked over the cash, and Weiss retreated to their hideout behind the bread.  
  
***  
  
Come on, shoplifters, I'm bored, Ken sighed several hours later.  
  
Omi was on page 576 of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, which he had borrowed from a nearby rack. Yeah... I'm almost done this book... less than 300 pages to go....  
  
Youji was asleep on the floor, using a loaf of bread as a pillow. And Aya was still leaning against the freezer, scowling. He barely even blinked. It was creepy.  
  
Stick em up, cashier man!  
  
Weiss jumped to their feet after hearing that shout; they peeked around the shelves. A man dressed entirely in black, with a black ski mask over his head, was pointing a gun at the cashier, who had his hands in the air, looking positively terrified. A dollar-sign bag was in the robber's other hand.  
  
What do we do? Ken hissed. The lack of weapons was confusing them - they had never foiled crime without them.  
  
Who cares?! Aya hissed. We've got to do something!  
  
Youji leaped forward as the robber began stuffing money from the cash register into his dollar-sign bag. EAT THIS, VILE FIEND! he shouted, grabbing a vat of nacho cheese and throwing it.   
  
OOOH! That's MUY PICANTE! the robber howled, falling over and writhing in the puddle of melted cheese.   
  
Now to unmask you! Youji said, bending down to yank the ski mask off the robber's head.  
  
A gasp went through the group as the mask came off to reveal the familiar square glasses and ridiculous sideburns of Reiji Takatori!  
  
Aya was seized by a blind rage. TAKATORI! SHI'NEEEEE! he bellowed, grabbing a bunch of pens from a rack on the counter and making as if to stab Takatori with them.  
  
A crazy guy! Wait, no! It's the Fujimiya kid! ARRRRGH! Takatori grabbed a skewer from the hot-dog turner and brandished it at Aya. Aya thrust the pens into Omi's grasp, and also seized a skewer.   
  
I'll kill you AGAIN, Takatori! he shrieked. Why didn't you die?!  
  
Ha ha, I resurrected myself! Takatori gloated, but stopped chuckling as he was pelted with pens and little horoscope scrolls, which were being thrown at him by Omi and Ken.  
  
Youji darted down one of the aisles and seized a package of dental floss. Good enough! he yelled, ripping it open and trying to whip it through the air like he did with his wires.   
  
No dice. It just fell limply to the floor. Youji stared at it for awhile, before deciding it wasn't the best strategy. He hurried down the aisle in search of a new weapon, as Aya's repeated shouts of, TAKATORI! SHI'NEEEE! grew louder and louder.  
  
There was nothing for it. Youji couldn't find a single thing in the entire store that would make a good weapon. In desperation, he ran back to the hot-dog turner, hoping there was a spare skewer laying around. There wasn't, but there was something even more useful - a really gross, shriveled hot dog that looked like it had been on display since the beginning of time. Youji grabbed it.   
  
EAT HOT DOG, TAKATORI! he yelled, throwing the hot dog at Takatori.  
  
Life seemed to suddenly switch to slow motion. Everyone turned to watch the hot dog's progress through the air.  
  
Takatori said, his yell seeming to last for hours.  
  
*Splat!* The hot dog hit him squarely on the nose. Snarling and gurgling with pain and rage, Takatori fell to the ground, landing squarely in the puddle of nacho cheese. He hit his head on the floor, and stopped moving. He was dead, for a second time.  
  
***  
  
There were four certain florists who got their pictures in the paper the next day.   
  
I can't believe the idiots at Flower Tamura got their pictures in the paper! Omi scowled, crumpling up the paper and tossing it into the fireplace that the Koneko must have, though I never saw one.  
  
Of course, Persia had hushed up the entire incident at the 7-11. Well, Manx and Birman had, but they said Persia's ghost told them to do it. Omi wondered if this was the equivalent of saying that the Devil had made them do it.  
  
Who cares? At least no one's targeting us as terrorists again, Aya said from somewhere among the shipment of lilies they had received that day.  
  
Ken paused in rearranging his beloved cactuses. And the only person we killed was the ghost of Takatori.  
  
And we stopped a robbery, said Youji, who was watering one of the random palm trees that they always seem to have.  
  
Yes, but -  
  
Do stop grousing, Aya scowled. We helped mankind.  
  
I suppose...  
  
The bell over the door tinkled merrily. Aya-chan and Sakura entered, giggling and dragging Aya-chan's stuff with them.   
  
Aya-chan called, waving to her brother, buried in lilies.   
  
Sakura sang.  
  
Aya-kun scowled as Sakura fastened herself to his arm. I think mankind needs a little more saving, he grumbled, before locking Sakura in a dark closet.  
  
Where she starved to death.  
  
And they all lived happily ever after.  
  
  
THE END!  
  
  
* Remember when Schuldich kidnapped Omi, I think in episode 11? He went jumping from the balcony to car roofs to the ground to get away. It was really crazy. I didn't know Schuldich could jump that high, or fall that far without breaking his legs.  
  
  
(A/N: Remember episodes 13 and 14 where Weiss were being made out as terrorists and Persia was reluctant to give them a mission, and Aya kept hounding him about it? I was watching those episodes one Sunday, and when Aya was bugging Persia, I was thinking that Persia should just give them some stupid, mundane mission to keep them out of his hair. Then I had a vision of Weiss catching shoplifters at 7-11. Inspiration! And so this fic was born!)


End file.
